This world keeps on spinning…
and it’s making me dizzy.
remember the days when it actually snowed during winter?
I miss the snow.
Taken last winter.
To the praise of HIS glory
I breathe a sigh of relief as this week comes to an end. I hang my head and avert my eyes, ashamed as I lament over the choices I made and the things I’ve done… all within the past 7 days. My shoulders are slumped, my muscles are tired, my body quivers with weariness because this burden I carry is so unbelievably heavy and completely unrelenting.
I Skyped with my Daddy on Saturday. We talked.. not long, but our conversation was deep and sweet.
He asked me how my week went - He asked me what I had to tell him, as if he already knew that my struggles were intense over the last 6 days and that I was about to burst.
I was honest with him and told him how hard the week was and how much I failed. I told him that I didn’t do well spiritually this week, which would obviously indicate that I didn’t to well with anything else either.
He gave me another passage to study.. he gave me the instruction to study Ephesians 1 and to look for a phrase that Paul repeated 3 times in the chapter…
the phrase was “to the praise” or “to the praise of His glory”…
To the praise of His glory…
See, it’s just unbelievable to me that God would use me - this - my situation, to the praise of His glory… What if I never get better? He’ll use it to the praise of His glory. What if I die young? He’ll use it to the praise of His glory. And if I do make a full recovery and live to a ripe old age? He’ll use it to the praise of His glory.
So there ya go Satin, its a lose-lose situation. Go cry a river.
So now those of you who are reading this might be all hyped and thinking in your minds “YES! Lord, You cause all things to work together for good! (<—completely true) So BRING ON THE RAIN because its all to the PRAISE OF YOUR GLORY. But lets be honest; by rain, you’re really thinking like - a drizzle.. or to be more accurate.. a fine mist. But God doesn’t work that way because when He allows rain - it pours. I’m learning this the hard way and to be honest, I’ve yet to reach the point when I’m thankful for the trials. I’m just not there yet, I still have a lot of learning, trusting and surrendering to do before I reach that point.
To be totally real with you, I keep waiting for God to give me a break.. I keep waiting for this intense pain and suffering to be over but it’s not getting easier (and yes- it is intense pain and suffering). I cry in anger because I don’t feel like He’s listening. I cry in anger because I cant feel Him near me even though I’m completely wrapped in His embrace and lavished with His love.
Yesterday was sanctity of life day.. although the pastor didn’t use Jeremiah 29:11-14 as the subject passage, it was still cited.. I turned to the passage and read..
11 For I know the plans that I have for you,’ declares the LORD, ‘plans for welfare and not for calamity to give you a future and a hope. 12 Then you will call upon Me and come and pray to Me, and I will listen to you. 13 You will seek Me and find Me when you search for Me with all your heart.14 I will be found by you,’ declares the LORD, ‘and I will restore your fortunes and will gather you from all the nations and from all the places where I have driven you,’ declares the LORD, ‘and I will bring you back to the place from where I sent you into exile.’
this is how I saw it when I read it.
Oh My child - MY beloved Rachel,
You can and will never know how much I love you. I KNOW you - every single little detail. “Everything” is more then you can comprehend. My child, I KNEW you before you came into being. I KNEW you would look best with green eyes, that’s why I gave them to you. I KNEW that you would look perfect with blonde hair. I made your skin the way it is on purpose - I made it so that every time the sun comes out, the freckles on your nose and cheeks do to. I gave you unusual strength, and a passion to use it. I KNEW the struggles you would face, and how you would chose to act upon them. I KNEW you would struggle with learning and I KNEW how that would effect you academically. I KNEW you would have a strong will. I KNEW you would think outside the box. I KNEW your interests would be different from those around you. I KNEW you would grow to hate what I created..
the point is: Rachel, I CREATED YOU. I made you who you are and the way you are ON PURPOSE. I know the plans I have for you and I know they’re perfect for you because I KNOW YOU. You are mine. My beloved creation - My daughter.
I KNOW life is hard and I understand that you’re not going to always make the right and wise choice. I KNEW you would turn from me and I KNEW you would get angry and blame Me for your misfortunes in life. I KNOW you feel like I’m not always here and I KNOW you know I AM.
Trust Me. Stop fighting and just trust Me. Rest in My perfect will and delight in Me. Make My ways your ways - Walk in My footsteps and follow My leading. When you stray, call on My name and I will answer. Place your faith in Me - in My words - In the promises I have made and I will NEVER let you down. I will lead you beside the cool water and I will restore your soul, I will lead you in the paths of righteousness.
No matter what choices you make and what you do, I WILL ALWAYS LOVE YOU. Just understand that actions always have a consequence. I want nothing but the best for you but I cannot prosper you as I wish until you seek Me - with all your heart. Life will never throw anything at you that I have not already conquered and you are not capable of overcoming with My help.
Rachel, no matter what happens in life, I will always work all things together for My good - and My good is what’s best for you, because “My good” is the only “good”. No matter what - Everything will work out “to the praise of My Glory”
Trust Me. Follow Me. Love Me. Do as I say because I LOVE YOU and want nothing but the best for you.
I’m always here. Just open your eyes and heart, you’ll see.
love always,
your Father - God.
loveandblue asked: Oh wow, that must be difficult. I'm praying God makes beautiful things out of your situation! :) May I ask how long you expect to be living in a hotel?
Thanks for the prayers love! Its been a very hard journey.
Honestly I don’t know how long… I’m thinking it’s going to be at least a year, but there’s never a guarantee. But I keep hoping that something will happen and they’ll send me home… Or at least somewhere else..
Orland Fredrick Sayre - Forever in Eternity.
Yesterday was January 7, 2012.
Yesterday my grandpa, Orland Fredrick Sayre, entered into eternity- He met God. He’s no longer suffering… His body is healed, his memory has returned…. He’s perfect.
I envy him - Him and his perfect serenity… I envy the peace he is experiencing. I envy that he’s with God… That he is in a place with no pain, no suffering, and no loneliness… no sin. I’m envious and yet I rejoice because I know beyond a shadow of a doubt where he is and that I’ll see him again.
I found out he had left us at 10:15am (central) yesterday morning. He went home to be with the Lord at 9:30am (eastern), so he had been gone for two hours before I knew. I wonder what time zone they go by up in heaven… I wonder if there’s even a “time” up in heaven. I would imagine there must be because they’re counting down the day’s till the Lord comes back just like we are…
It’s hard being away from home right now, harder then you may imagine. See, I’ve always been there, I’ve always been a part of grandpa’s care giving. I’ve been there for most of his seizures, all of his strokes, I was there when he broke his hip the first time and I was only 30 minutes away when he broke it the second time. I spent nights taking care of him in his home before he was moved to our house…. I’ve fed him his meals, changed his diapers, combed his “hair”… wiped his mouth when he dribbled. All those living under the roof belonging to Rodger and Mary Sayre partook in the caregiving of Grandpa.
But I wasn’t there for his last breath… I wasn’t there. For the most important moment, the last moment… I couldn’t be there. Instead, I was sitting on a bed, in a hotel in Mt. Vernon, IL.
I cried long, hard tears yesterday and I ‘m sure there are more to come. Work is giving me a few days off, so I took a train to Chicago to be with my cousin and her family. I’m not going home until the 25th of January… Grandpa’s memorial service is going to be on the 28th.
When I left for the train station, I cried the hardest I’ve cried t since I found out.
I yelled at God. Isn’t the first time – probably wont be the last.
See, I don’t understand what’s he’s trying to accomplish.
I asked Him “why?” Why is He doing this to me? Why did He send me to Illinois in the first place? Why? Especially when He knew all these things were going to happen. Why two weeks before Christmas? Why, when He knows how much I’m struggling with this ED. Why, if we’re trying to care for my other dying grandparents…Why would He just rip me away from EVERYTHING I’ve ever known without even so much as a days notice, when He knew full well the present and future circumstances?
WHY?! Because I DON’T GET IT!
But despite all that, here I sit, fully aware that God has a reason for all of this. See, as much as I hate my present circumstances, I have to believe that this is all for my good and that everything will be ok, because that hope, the promise that Christ has given, that’s all I really have right now. I’m clinging to it, because without it, I don’t know where I’d be.
Oh God, my God. Comfort me. Wrap me in You’re everlasting arms. Protect me from my enemies. God they are numerous and they are strong and they seek to destroy me. God, Satins blows are crippling and I don’t know how much more I can take. Lord, give me hope… Please, I’m desperate… So very desperate.
@youvelostmeboy
James 4
8 Come close to God, and God will come close to you. Wash your hands, you sinners; purify your hearts, for your loyalty is divided between God and the world.
Wow. What a great God. What a wonderful thing to be able to study the scriptures in freedom.
This. This is exactly what I need to do, and continually fail at.
4Anonymous asked: God limits the happiness and pleasure we have now precisely so we might not become attached to this world or dependent upon it or fearful of leaving it (dying), as well as to stir in our hearts a longing and yearning and holy anticipation for what is yet to come. Sam Storms [One Thing, Christian Focus,Enjoying God Ministries, 2004, p.177]
Thanks friend.
If ya’ll cant handle blatant honestly… this is not your cup o’ tea.
lets get right to the point… this is going to be a very disheveled post… but I don’t really care.
On Friday, December 9th 3:30 pm, I was given a one day’s notice that I was being moved to Mt. Vernon, IL to work on a project out there. I was told to pack my belongings, and leave the following day and that I would begin work the following Monday.
I was shocked.. stunned.. rendered speechless.
my thought process when something like this.
“Excuse me, God? do you have any idea what the heck You’re doing BECAUSE THIS IS ####ing CRAZY! I’m sure You’re aware, but my family and I are taking care of 3 of our 4 dying grandparents.. total care.. like, we do everything for them.. EVERYTHING. (All of which are at risk of dying at any moment.) How exactly do you expect them to continue to function if I’m not there to help, because we both know that I’ve been contributing a lot. Also, You realize that I have an eating disorder, right? of course you do, You’re God. So, if you don’t mind, can you please just give me a clue as to how 1) my family is going to deal with this, and 2) how I’m going to survive with my eating disorder alone.. 24/7.. in a hotel room?
oh yeah.. and when I’m not alone.. I’m surrounded with basically anti-Christians.. who’s blatant and expressed goal is to get me drunk and so-on.
And God.. I’m scared… scared of myself.. scared of being alone. scared of my co-workers.. scared of being anywhere but home.. I’ve never really left home. ever.
Why are You doing this?”
admittedly I’m ashamed.. ashamed of my doubts.. of my response. ashamed of my current state of existence.
But that doesn’t change the fact that I had and still harbor many of those doubts and feelings.
I didn’t have any choice but to pack up my stuff and leave.
I arrived in IL on sunday night and I cried myself to sleep.. in fact I cried myself to sleep for the next 4 days. I’ve never been so frightened in my life. I started work on Monday and met several new people most of whom were guys… much to my dismay, I am now the target of many of those such guys. I am 1 of 5 girls..(two of which are not single.) We girls are 5 out of 25 Beta workers… 15 of those 25 are “single” guys between the ages of 22 and 30… it needs no further explanation from there.
-_- <— that’s what my current facial expression looks like. it’s also an accurate display of how I feel about the entire situation.
I found and went to church the first Wednesday I was there.. it’s called Logan Street Baptist Church. I loved it. I’ve met mostly Elderly people, but that’s more then ok with me; I love old people. The following sunday I went to both sunday school and the service and after the service I was asked by an elderly couple to lunch to which I eagerly accepted. It was so amazing because that Sunday morning I prayed that God would have someone from that church ask me to lunch… I was so lonely and I desperately wanted an excuse to not be at the hotel with my co-workers.. I wanted so much to be with Christians. Right after the service was over, the couple asked me to have lunch with them. It was unreal. It was God.
While I’ve been in IL I’ve done fairly well spiritually and mentally.. and as far as physically/eating goes.. I’ve done well with that to..
On the 22nd I flew home for Christmas. I’m currently home and will be until Jan 2nd…
since I’ve been home, I’ve struggled more with my eating disorder then I usually do.. and I’ve lost, I’ve succumbed to the temptations. I feel like I’m loosing the battle. I hate myself so much. I hate this. I hate that I can see truth but I’m so blind to it. I HATE THIS BATTLE. I hate that I cant just say “no” and be ok. I hate that I hate myself.
I miss love and loving.. I miss peace.. I miss joy.. I miss sanity. I miss faith.
What’s become of me… and… What’s to become of me?
To those of you who are shocked at this post.. I’m sorry if you think less of me because of what ya’ll just read.. But here’s the thing.. although my struggles with the flesh may be considered “worse” then others… they’re not. I almost didn’t post this because I didn’t want to expose my deepest darkest secret, but I decided that if I don’t expose it, the light will never reach it… and “light” is what I need most.
Anonymous asked: I stumbled on your page and I began reading. I was really encouraged by your honest transparency. Thank You
thank you.. That means a lot..
follow me.. there’s a lot more honesty to come.. that and it makes me feel like I’m not alone… if that makes sense…
